Lucius Malfoy and the Killer Cactus
by R4v3n Kn1ght
Summary: When Lucius is awakened in the middle of the night by an intruder...he uses the only weapon he has at his disposal: A spiky cactus! Follows "Lucius Malfoy and the Secret Sandwich." Humor-fic.


**Author's Note:** _I'm not exactly sure where the plot of this one came from actually. This is a continuance of the Lucius Malfoy series. This fic follows "Lucius Malfoy and the Secret Sandwich." However, the inspiration for Lucius's plan at the end of this story is all from Artemis Arcturus. Hope everyone enjoys this. ~ RK _

**Lucius Malfoy and the Killer Cactus**

When Lucius Malfoy woke up from a rather peaceful dream about finally getting rid of his dreadfully frightening sister-in-law once and for all, he reached over to the bedside table for his wand.

But it wasn't there! What was a wizard without his wand?

Well, Lucius was not about to ignore the weird noise that woke him up from his awesome dream where Bellatrix Lestrange finally died. However, without his wand, he was going into the situation like a muggle! Then, he thought something he never thought he would think in his life. 'What would a muggle do in this situation?' He had no idea. That is, he had no idea until he caught the sight of the present he recently received from an anonymous admirer in the Ministry, which was sitting on his desk.

His little potted, but dangerous, cactus!

When he saw it, Lucius knew that it was an object that a muggle would pick up and use as a defensive weapon and not mourn its loss if it were to be sacrificed in the – sure-to-happen – upcoming skirmish.

He opened the door to his bedroom as silently and slowly as was humanly possible. The first thing that was thrust into the hallway was his hand clutching the cactus-weapon. He swung it left and then right. When it didn't hit anything, he stuck his head out of the door and looked in every possible direction into the hallway. His head moved around in jittery, jerky movements.

He moved down the entire hallway at this pace and in this manner all under the cover of darkness. It took him almost fifteen minutes to reach the source of the disturbance. The kitchen! There was a dim light coming from the kitchen. It seemed like it could be a Lumos charm. Lucius was not taking any chances. He tensed and gripped the pot containing the cactus as tightly as he could in both hands. If a muggle had seen him they would have thought he looked remarkably like an athlete holding a bat, waiting to swing at a pitched ball.

Lucius crept along the wall and peered into the kitchen through the space created by the slightly ajar door. It took him a moment to realize just what it was he was seeing, but when he did he shook with a mixture of fear and rage. Someone was in there! Someone was in his kitchen. His rage skyrocketed when he noticed that this intruder was currently rummaging through his secret cabinet…the one that contained the most delicious snack ingredients.

Someone was either eating or stealing his peanut butter!

With a burst of uncontrollable wrathful energy, Lucius charged through the doorway. He saw the intruder turn around but he didn't see the identity of the ruffian. In this case Lucius didn't wait to see who he was up against. He would ask forgiveness if he had to before he would calmly ask why this person was even near his peanut butter. With a barbaric shout of war, he swung his makeshift bat of a cactus and not only felt but also heard the satisfying sound of impact!

Not daring to put down his weapon, Lucius kicked away the intruder's fallen wand as he darted quickly over to the little fireplace in the kitchen and tossed in some floo-starter powder, causing the fireplace to erupt in homey orange flames and bringing everything in the kitchen into a nice and visible light.

Everything included the familiar crumbled and groaning person currently on his floor.

"Severus?"

Lucius still had the cactus in his hand, but now he approached with much less caution. A groan was his answer. "Is it you, Severus?" the blonde man asked.

"Why?"

"Why what?" said Lucius, reaching down with one hand to help his friend up. "Why did I hit you in the face? I think that's quite clear, Snape. I thought you broke into my home! What did you expect when you don't inform me that you plan to stop by in the middle of the night?"

Then, Severus turned to face him and Lucius saw what damage he'd done. He grimaced at the sight of his close friend and his son's professor standing before him looking decidedly displeased and almost the entire left cheek of his face sporting vicious cactus needles! He looked like a dreadful half porcupine!

"I didn't think your wife would appreciate me coming by with more supplies that keep you alive instead of her supposedly terrible cooking—"

"Supposedly? You've never eaten it!"

"—and therefore I thought arriving when everyone slept in order to restock your cabinet with the peanut butter and jelly you enjoy so much wouldn't make Narcissa suspicious."

Lucius and Severus glared at each other for a moment. Then, Severus sighed. "Now, if you don't mind would you take these needles out of my face? I have to ask you since you kicked my wand somewhere in this place."

Lucius finally put down the cactus on the first surface he spotted, which happened to be the counter. Then, he guided Severus into one of the chairs. He tilted the porcupine side of his friend's face up at him, and then he began to manually pluck out the needles from his attack. "Don't you have a wand, Lucius?" Severus growled.

"If I had a wand, Snape, don't you think I'd be using it?"

"Where is it?"

"I'm not entirely sure. I heard…well, now I know it was you making some noise down here and I went to get my wand, but it was gone. So, I had to make do with the first weapon I could find."

Severus looked at Lucius as though he were stupid. "And why didn't you just take your wife's wand?" In reply, Lucius grabbed several of the needles at once and yanked them out hard, earning a groan from Severus.

He managed to take them all out after only a few minutes. There were several minutes of silence between the two adult wizards, while one searched for something to say to the man he'd assaulted with a cactus and the second stewed over that fact that he'd recently been hit in the face by said cactus. It was certainly a new experience for both of them. While Severus brooded over the soreness of one side of his face, Lucius decided that the silence was simply too much.

"Did I mention my latest idea to—"

"I think that under the circumstances, Lucius, you could at least offer me something as an apology for striking me with a plant!" growled Snape.

This jarred Lucius out of the thought he was in the middle of expressing. "Um, what would you like?"

"Well," Severus slurred as he rubbed his sore cheek. "What about a sandwich?"

"What kind?"

"I was bringing you supplies for more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches." Snape glared at Lucius. "One of those would suffice, I think."

Lucius went over to the secret cabinet of his and Draco's stash of food. As he went about the business of preparing a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for his unexpected guest, he heard approaching footsteps. They were far too heavy to be Narcissa's so Lucius did not worry. A few moments later, a familiar figure walked into the kitchen.

"Father?" asked the sleepy Draco, who walked into the kitchen rubbing his eyes. "Can I have one too?"

When Lucius looked over in the direction of his son, it wasn't the boy he noticed first. "Death!" he snapped. His thin dog's dark eyes widened at the acknowledgement. "Is that," Lucius said, his voice shaking in barely concealed rage. "My…wand?" Then, Death's jaws slackened and a spit-covered, gnarled, and now slightly chipped wand fell to the floor. "If you want a sandwich, Draco, you're going to have to clean Death's spit off my wand!" Lucius pointed towards his mutilated wand with the knife covered in the jelly he was about to spread across a slice of bread. A dollop of the jelly plopped onto the floor from the knife. Death's tongue flopped out of his mouth at the sight and he scurried quickly over to the little blob of jelly to lick it clean off the floor.

"Ew!" cried Draco. "That's servant stuff!"

Lucius now pointed the knife at his son. "Do I need to remind you that we no longer _have_ a servant, thanks to Potter?"

Draco answered almost immediately, even though he knew he couldn't possibly be cursed by his father with a knife. "No!"

Lucius pointed the knife back towards his drool-covered wand. "If you really want a sandwich, Draco, you _will_ clean that!"

Draco stared at the disgusting wand for a second, and then looked at the half-made sandwich his father was preparing for Professor Snape. In only a moment, his mind was made up. With a grimace he picked up the spit-covered wand and took it to the kitchen sink. He began to clean the wand.

"What was your idea, Lucius?"

"Hmm?" Then he remembered. While he spoke he continued to make a few more sandwiches. One for himself and one for his son. "Oh! Yes, my idea! Well! You know how during winter everyone seems to have a problem with dry lips?" Snape nodded as he took a bite out of the sandwich. "I thought I could put together some uniquely flavored…what is it called, Draco?"

"Lip balm, Father," came the reply from the sink.

"Right! Lip balm! Something like 'Snowflake Smooches' or 'Gingerbread Houses' or 'Eggnog.' Of course, the one for adults would taste like real eggnog, not the rubbish without the alcohol in it! Make them especially for those wintry dry lips. I was thinking of calling it 'Luscious Lips by Lucius.' What do you think, Severus?"

Snape was staring at Lucius as though he was trying to find the flaw in his plan. Draco had finally sat down next to Snape and picked up his own sandwich. He began relishing the flavor. Lucius noticed that his newly cleaned wand was placed near his own plate. Finally, Snape spoke.

"And how will you sell them without Narcissa noticing?"

Lucius's answer was without hesitation. "I was thinking maybe someone in your House could sell them for me while classes at Hogwarts were in session."

"Such as?"

"Oh, perhaps Pansy Parkinson…Crabbe…Goyle…" Lucius then looked over at his blessed-out-on-the-delicious-sandwich offspring. "…maybe even Draco."

Draco choked on his sandwich.

Lucius and Severus simply smiled and then the professor said, "I'm sure something could be arranged."

And just like that Draco wondered if he would ever have a say in his own future.

**End Note:**_ Thank you for reading! Hope everyone enjoyed the story. Please review and let me know what you thought, though please keep your flames to yourself. Thanks. ~ RK _


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